In Search of a City

Trials

2011-01-27T01:01:00.000-08:00

Someday, Im going to write a book.

James 1:12
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

The work I am currently doing is at times difficult. Last night I failed a test- and this morning, my heart is disappointed- but in awe of God's faithfulness. He is always faithful. Even when I give up, He is there. And He is perfect. I know this- no matter how many times I fall or allow myself to be trapped, I WILL NEVER EVER GIVE UP. At the end of this life I want to see Him. SO if I have to take this test a thousand times over, it will be worth it when I see His face.

Sono contenta.

"In You Im free in You, Im found." The Museum

When sorrows come and hope seems gone
You’re the Rock I rest upon
When waters rise and I can’t breathe
You’re the love that rescues me
Out of the darkness
I lift up my eyes
Unto the hills
I feel my faith rise

Maker of heaven, giver of life
You are my strength, my song in the night
My refuge, my shelter
Now and forevermore
My help comes from the Lord
When I’m broken, scarred by sin
Death gives way to life again
When I suffer, when I’m bound
In You I’m free, in You I’m found
Out of the darkness
I lift up my eyes
Unto the hills
I feel my faith rise
"My Hope comes from the Lord" The Museum

Whats your heart condition?Matthew 5:8

2011-01-12T13:45:00.000-08:00

Sometimes my heart feels like this...

...but I really want it to be like this.

"Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved." Matthew 24:12-13

God is teaching me and Im trying desperately to stand still and to learn.

Read how beautiful this passage is:

"He grew up before him like a tender shoot and like a root out of dry ground.

He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to Him,

nothing in His appearance that we should desire him.

He was despised and rejected by men,

a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.

Like one from whom men hide their faces

he was despised, and we esteemed him not."

"Surely He took up our infirmities

and carried our sorrows,

yet considered Him stricken by God,

smitten by Him, and afflicted.

But He was pierced for our transgressions,

he was crushed for our iniquites;

the punishment that brought us peace

was upon Him,

and by His wounds we are healed."

Isaiah 53:1-5

Saturday.

2011-01-08T15:10:00.000-08:00

Dont you just love saturdays? clean laundry, good husband time, and to top it off, a bouquet of perfect roses! Today Eric and I took a stroll downtown to the Saturday market of Scandicci. It was really crowded out, but it didnt stop us from finding the beauties above. The were a little pricey, but look at them! After making a quick stop into the paper store across from the posta, we returned home and made some scrumptous mashed potatoes to go with our left over turkey. yum. Immediatley I couldnt wait to see what I could do with the roses. I cleared off a big space in the kitchen. Our tile is a sea foam/retro green and the wood cutting board underneath was too great of a combination to pass up. I was sliging junk left and right. Choosing the right pots, and dark red apples, a stick of celery for lefage, plum wine purple onions, and small garlic cloves. I also sprinkled in some white cups and bowls to keep the color flowing. Cant wait to see what come of this. The possibilities are many- before sketching I took over 80 photos of different angles! Wish i could leave it up and "paint in person;" but- community living, I cant hog the olive oil for too long. Anyways, im really excited and cant wait to get to work. the post below is the first small one of the series.

Also, yesterday I went to my friend Clizia's house for tea with her and her mother. It was so wonderful; they are lovely. And their house is beautiful by the way. A true italian dream- decorated with what else? famous italian art. No jokes here. I found out last night that her great grandfather was a famous sculptor. yes, this is way cool. Anyways, after tea, I was walking back to the scuola, when I spotted a small store across from the library that looked as if it would have some string ( I need to sew some buttons on Eric's coat). When I entered the store, not only did they have a great variety of sewing materials- but also a fabulous display (an entire wall) of BUTTONS! Big, round, green, small, blue, red, yellow, fat, gold- any style, size or color. This was certainly a nice way to end the evening. I bought ten and the nice lady gave me a discount. I 'll have to post photos soon.
its been a good few days in the neighborhood =)

Another study.

2011-01-08T14:46:00.000-08:00

Watercolor on Paper

5 x 7 in

ROses?

2011-01-04T12:53:00.000-08:00

Watercolor on paper

5 x 7 in

Dont know about you....

2011-01-04T08:03:00.000-08:00

. . but sometimes this is me. ha.

By the way, Im not sure what the fascination is with the flowers. Its most likely because I miss my mother.

Over Christmas, I went to the Louvre and was fascinated all over again by the impressionists. pure genius. their flow of movement, knowledge of color theory, and most importantly simplicity. While in Paris, I also visited the Pompidue- which 2 years ago was one of the best experiences ever- this time not so much. Everything was either sexual or ... for lack of a better word idiotic. period. if it weren't for the two chagalls hanging on the second floor- I would say the entire visit was a loss. Anyways, after this disaster, seeing the beauty of the real modern artists, the impressionists( and the post- Van gogh and Toulse )- it seemed to all make sense again. Order was restored. Hopefully I will continue to get to paint this year.

Bouquet4

2010-12-31T04:29:00.000-08:00

Copy of Renoir's

"Bouquet dans Line Loge"

Watercolor on Paper

5 x 7 in

Bouquet3

2010-12-31T04:26:00.000-08:00

Copy of E. Vuillard's

"Bouquet de Roses"

Watercolor on Paper

4 x 5 in

Bouquet2

2010-12-31T04:24:00.000-08:00

Copy of Manet's

"Bouquet de Pivoines"

Watercolor on Paper

7 x 5

Bouquet1

2010-12-31T04:19:00.000-08:00

Copy of Vincent Van Gogh's

Vase Avec Iris

Watercolor on paper

4 x 7 in

To: Mom Dad and Han

2010-12-29T06:19:00.000-08:00

il Duomo di Firenze

Watercolor on Paper

4 x 6 in

To: Clizia

2010-12-29T06:17:00.001-08:00

Watercolor on Paper

7 x 7 in

Firenze Italy

To: Valentina

2010-12-29T06:16:00.000-08:00

il Duomo di Firenze

Watercolor on Paper

5 x5 in?

To:Monica

2010-12-29T06:14:00.000-08:00

Watercolor on Paper

7x 3?

Taranto Italy

to: Renata

2010-12-29T06:12:00.001-08:00

Watercolor on Paper

5 x 7 in

Siena, Italy

still here.

2010-11-17T22:35:00.001-08:00

promise new posts are coming soon. hopefully friday?

35 min past 8

2010-10-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

35 min past eight yesterday morning, i was on my way to LDM when i looked out the small smudged plastic window and spied a stout man with a proud chin wearing a vibrant purple button down. He was standing guard with a handfull of freshly wrapped flowers on the corner of Foggini and Piazza per della Francesca. I couldnt help wondering where he was headed.

Later that afternoon after watching Harry Potter in italiano and learning some new vocab such as "Bacchetta" and "Dammela," eric and i cut accross the san lorenzo market landed in San Marco square. There we met our friend Clizia. Clizia is one of my english students here at the Bible school and we have quickly become good friends. After meeting some of her friends from school, eric and I followed Clizia across the square and walked two blocks away from the Duomo to find her school. Here she introduced me to the inner working of the "occupation."

A few weeks back, we (the new AI workers) were coming out of class at our normal time and were about to cross the street to catch the bus by SMN when we looked to our left and saw a huge mass filling the street and coming our way. They were mostly dressed in black and they were yelling and holding signs. To our right at the corner of the street were about 4 vans of police men ready to take action.

The next day in class Michela explained partly what was going on. Apparently this happens at this same time of year every year- it is a strike. Not just any strike but one by the school system against the government. Apparently it is very difficult to get a teaching job. once one graduates with a degree as a teacher- one's name goes on "the list." This means that you are on a waiting list to get a job. As people retire or get fired new people from the list are employed. However this is a massive list. I have another italian friend who told me that she has been on the list for nine years and still does not have a "steady" job. Steady meaning in one place- one where retirement can be made. each year, the government shuffles the teachers( who have jobs but who are still on the list) around to different schools- as in each year one is placed somewhere different- in order to not have to provide insurance, stability, or retirement. i believe the details are corrct here- but i could be mistaken. Im still foggy on the exact reasons why it is this way, but alas, it is.

The occupation. Ok what I am retelling is only what I know by my friend Clizia who attends a public art high school (they call it university) in Firenze. The "occupation" means that for this approximate two week period the students strike against the government and run the school. The process is this: each year the seniors vote as a class whether or not to have the strike. Clizia told me that there were many who did not want the strike, but because the majority voted for it, the student government must plan for the strike to run its course. Because Clizia is on the student government at school, she is very heavily involved with everything. Again, not necessarliy by her own wishes, but because she is part of the student body government at the school, she must up-hold her responsibilites to organize events, rallys, protests, etc.

During this time, the students literally run the school. They even have the keys to the school building itself. What do the teachers do? They still come to school in order to stay on pay roll, but they do not teach during this time or even come out of their classrooms. And the students? besides organizing events and public meetings, they spend alot of time "decorating" the school. Decorating means graffiti- but in a positive way- it is an art school. It seems like there is alot of this, however, there are several rooms that the students may not decorate. They also take it upon themselves to cover up any negative grafiti that they feel is unecessary (photos below). Speaking of the "art high school," I learned on Friday that there are two types of art high schools. The one Clizia attends is considered more of a philosophy based school- where it is more discussion based. For example, I was surprised to learn that the "painting class" is actually more of a drawing class bc they do not have paint. Also the scuplture classes are dying because of lack of interest. However, there is also another art high school ( that hopefully i will be visiting soon) that is "work" based. Im guessing this means the importance is more based upon actually creating art versus art theory. this is very interesting to me. Also the reason the italians call high school "university" is because it really is like a university. When one is in 8th grade, one picks out what field of study to pursue. The next 5 years is spent studying a particular class schedule in order to graduate with an emphasis in the chosen field. Also, if i understood correctly, one is always with the same class of 20- 25 other students. By this I mean the course study is grouped into sets of 20- 25 students. These students have the same class schedule together for the entire 5 years of university.

Overall, I still am unsure about all of the details. I just know that the students are angry with the government and feel that the school system is on the back burner. They are aware of what is going on around them because they read the free newspapers on the buses in the mornings and they listen to their teachers and others discuss the school problems from the time the enter university. They want to make a stand against the government who is cutting the funds of the school system. This is the reason for their strike- the "occupation." Hopefully I have adequately portrayed only what I have seen and heard. I am so gratfeul to my sweet friend Clizia for allowing me to visit her school and to understand her culture a little better. I hope to continue to learn even more about Italia and her school systems during my stay in Italia.

This is the entrance hallway on the first floor.

Some class projects displayed in the hallway.

Here the students are "decorating" the school.

This is one of the bathrooms they cleaned during the strike. Clizia told me that all of the walls were covered in paint like the toliet.

ok. Here is my friend Clizia and I. This is another bathroom. However this "bathroom" has a differnt meaning. It is a hang out for the students. The school gave it to them and allows them to "decorate" it however they please. They kids come here to hang out during their breaks in school. The lighting is pink here because the wondow in the ceiling was painted pink.

Here is inside the "bathroom."

Here is one of the classrooms where they draw. This for example, is a room that the

students could not decorate.

This is in the same room. During the strike, some of the students were so committed to the "occupation" that they slept at the school during this period of time.

Here is one of the sculpture rooms.

Ok, here is one of the rooms that the students I think were planing on repainting. I cant read all of the writtings on the wall, but from what i can read and from what Clizia told me, it is basically sayings against the government.

Here is another example of how some of the students slept at the school during the occupation. Also, Clizia told me that this room used to look like the one in the photos above- so this is what i mean when i sya that they are re-painting it.

Here is the courtyard where they hang out and also have meetings.

Here is another sculpture classroom.

Clizia said that these are available casts for the students to use at any time. She actually made

me one of the David's eye as a gift =)

Another view of the courtyard.

This was leading out into the courtyard- not sure what all of this is.

Here is a sculpture student working on a piece for the art show that was this weekend.

Another view of the courtyard and some new grafiti.

This is the gym. It is small in comparassion to the basketball court size in America.

The sign says "this school is occupied."

You have to look hard, but you can see someone who is sleeping behind the curtain. This is just outside of the gym before walking into the hallways. Im assuming this is one of the students who

stayed at the school during the strike.

This is only the begining.....

2010-10-20T22:34:00.001-07:00

Downtown FI

Watercolor and Ink on Paper

in case you were wondering....yes i am still painting.

2010-10-20T22:24:00.000-07:00

Downtown FI

Watercolor and Ink on Paper

My friend Spinelli

2010-10-05T22:43:00.000-07:00

While living in Firenze i of course have encountered many artists. There is by the way, one in particular who paints just outside and around the left side corner of the Pitti palace, who I am still planning on returning to visit and purchase a great little mustard watercolor. Hopefully it is still there, as I was assured he would be. However, there is another artist with whom i have just recently made friends. His name is andrea spinelli. He lives just outside of Firenze and he is a full time working Florentine artist. Last firday, i along with the rest if the AI team were invited to visit him at his studio. As soon as i rounded the corner on the thrird floor of his apt building, i smelled the turpentine. i knew i was in a good place. on a side note- its interesting to view art with non-artists. i always remember the words of clive bell from my aesthetics class in college- "they know that they are in the presence of something great, but...they are like deaf men at concerts". After having lived continually with so many non artist for about a month now- im even begining to question the first part- most of the time they dont even know that something is great. its funny how many times a day i briddle my mouth about such things. ANYWAYS Andrea paints for a gallery downtown Firenze. He makes copies of original renaissance paintings for tourists around the world no doubt- and in his own art he enjoys portraits and everyday scenes around Firenze.

The foryer of Andrea's apt. lined with his work.

One of the copies for his gallery....

What is this?? Well not only can Andrea paint- but like most other artists he is an engineer of shorts as well. Andrea speaks perfect english- he even tuaght us some new technical terms during our visit on friday. The reason behind his lingual abilities?? All of the amazon ordered computer engineering books were written solely in English- therefore in order then for him to continue to learn and to suceed in his endevors he had to learn the language. This is besides the point. Andrea has created not one, not two, but THREE new machines. The first one he showed us- he programmed using CAD and built the actual machine from scratch and it creates for him (acording to his designs on CAD) wooden frames of all sorts! Big, small, spindels, bevels, Renaissance, modern, you name it- it can do it.

One of the products of his frame machine.

The second of the three machines is used to....you guessed it TO PAINT. This machine is again created solely by Andrea in every aspect and is hooked to yet another computer onthe back wall of his studio. This picture is one exampe of what it can do. In truth, this machine is more useful in terms of graphic design. Andrea doesnt really appreciate its significane as much. However, hopefully, I will be able to convince him of its capabilities soon. Really, the possiblities are endless of the designs he could make and sell for cheap in order to make overall a pretty good sum after the tourists find him. By the way- BONUS- he allowed me to HAVE one. yes- da vero! it is true!

The third machine is hooked to the first computer as well. This one i actually videoed- but i cannot show it to you for fear that someone will steal Andrea's genius. However i can briefly tell you that a) it is nothing short of amazing. and b) he is a genius.

Immediately walking into Andrea's studio was a wall of books. All types, thrown every which way. Along with more than a few random nonsense items- i felt at home at last.

Its good to make and to keep fellow artist friends.

Idiot!

2010-09-29T22:34:00.000-07:00

"Harry, you're going to have to try and find a way of not expressing every feeling that you have, every moment that you have them."

Sally Albright- When Harry Met Sally

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=geNUG4F4ALw

Siena

2010-09-28T05:57:00.000-07:00

This past saturday Eric and I enjoyed our first weekends date trip together.

We got up around 8 oclock, packed our lunches and headed to the SITA bus station. We had originally planned on visiting san gimignano. However, once we found the station in Firenze, we discovered we had just missed the bus and the next departure was not for another 50 min. A man and his wife from california overheard our debate and shared that a different bus to siena was to leave the station in 10 min. we hurried inside and purchased two round trip tickets and in less than 5 min, we boarded the bus.

The travel time was 60 min from Firenze. instead it felt more like a 20 min stroll throughout the tuscan

country side. 20 pages in my novel and an apricot later, we arrived.

The city is a small midevil one. Winding alley ways and steep hills slope and cross across the

cobblestone to create feelings of uncertainity where each turn will lead. It has an ancient feeling. One is

intrigued and even somewhat frightened by the history held within the walls of the city. Some 200 photos, due caffe latte, GROM gelati, and 4 hours later, we caught a bus back home to Firenze.

the day was very beautiful and good.

Here we are in the Piazza del Campo. It was created in the 12th century by the government. The "fish-bone pattern" brick pavement is divided into 9 sections- symbolizing the 9 governors of that time. on July 2nd and August 16th the Piazza holds what is called the Palio. This is a massive horse race in which the horses race around the outside circle of the Piazza andthe entire city packs into the center to watch!

The first Palio was held around 1633.

We sat in the middle of the Piazza and ate our freshly packed PB and J's. The day was perfect!

Palazzo Salimbeni

along the hike up to sant'agostino.......

Sant'Agostino

This was a strange church. It was nicely designed on the outside, but the inside was....for lack of a better

word- creepy. It was old, dreary, dark, and there were several tombs with dead

(real or fake-not so sure) bodies on display. Cosa significance?? No lo so.

The Duomo of Siena. Amazing. Conceptually speaking, to pay to see the interior of a church is always absurd, but in this case, I suppose it was 6 euro well spent.

Gothic + Romanesque = perfection.

The floors had designs like this everywhere.

See the Chiesa!

il caffe =)

These are all throughout italy. All I am going to say is: cosa???!

This is for you Rutledge.

2010-09-27T07:16:00.000-07:00

This and That...

2010-09-20T13:07:00.000-07:00

i found this on the road west of the Duomo. the store is a family owned business of 150 years. We were passing time in between class and a trip to the Biboli Gardens behind the Pitti Palace. I remembered wandering in the tuscan stone bottega two summers ago.

i love paper. walking in i noticed all sorts of treasures. hand crafted greeting cards, renaissance covered paper boxes- all sizes, agends, beutifully designed initial stationary, and marbeled paper products sprinkeled throughout the place. i wandered from corner to corner and came across these cards below. when it was getting time to leave, i started an innocent italian conversation with the man working. This man not only spoke English fluently, alomost better than I, but was also the owner of the bottega! He told us the history of his family endevor. He explained the the process of making the paper itself and even the printmaking process of the designs (lithography and wood block printing). Everything in the store was hand made. Francisco is the third generation to run the family business. I asked him about the card i picked out and he explained to me that the man who designed and woodcut the print, G. Rossi, after many years of working for the family just recently retired! Apparently there are only ten or so cards left that he designed...and I bought two! ha! after all of this, Francisco continued to welcome us by hand demonstrate the process of making teh marbled paper! it was fascinating! i was itching so badly to take a photo, but i didnt want to ruin the moment so to speak. He very heartidly invited us back anytime to visit! I cant wait to see him again soon. Actually tomorrow I may go for a visit.oh. also, the photo of the red stickers-that is the logo of the company. He sealed our purchase with one and when I inquired about purchasing a sheet to have, he simply gave it to me! he winked and warned me not to tell the owner =)

Below: these guys are all over Firenze but for some reason that day I wanted this photo.

Funny. This man was on bus number 6 with us on the way home from school when I noticed his camica. Do you see what I see?

This was the same day we met Francisco and later visited the Boboli Gardens. Towards the end of our tour, which was free by the way because we are stundents, we came upon a large grass/park area where some art students were sketching. I wanted to grab a crayon.

Allora, this is Eric and I at the top of the Boboli Gardens. It was perfect weather this day.

This was a buliding in the gardens. It was designed like this on purpose. I am somewhat confused and mystified by this......I guess I can safely say: I am not a fan. Actually I spent as least time as possible inside. The fungus design remined me of spores and...fungus. I snapped a few shots for the blog and darted out to remember what grass looked like.

The Piazza of the Pitti Palace.

The Best gelato i have had so far- hands down. Lampone and Yogurt. Yum.

yes.

2010-09-20T12:32:00.000-07:00

i have yet to get anything else out since this adventure first began almost two weeks ago now.

i feel like the days are flying by. the mornings i awake to the brisk morning air. i sludge to the toilet, straigten my locks, debate between my soft pink scarf and the green one that i always want to wear, but somehow miss the opportunity. 40 min later i am jumping from stair to stair, down three flights until my feet hit the tile that meets the espresso maker. yes i have constant acess to an espresso maker.

there are times when i am over aware of my surroundings. i am here. i am in a foreign country. i am a teacher who is learning italian. God has brought me here- to this specific place for His divine purpose. this alone is humbling.

last night i attended a concert at the villa. so fun. i met new friends and enjoyed the company of many brother and sisters. most of the time i am overwhelmed with the sense that God is here. God has a purpose for my life. As a christian of almost 13+ years, its amazing to witness the change He is making in me. I am so grateful for His power and LOVE that is constantly at work within my spirit. i dont want to say that it stations me to be still, but rather the opposite is true. these moments of clarity that i have is what propels me to continue on in His service. it is strange trying to explain something that is going on within me, that i myself am for the most part mystifed about. new land, new tongue, new people; a new perspective. at all moments i know that my heart is thankful beyond measure. i am taken aback by the fact that what i have known to be truth for so many years, is being confirmed on a daily basis on the road Christ is leading me. the only word i can profess at the moment is humility. it is humbling to begin to understand that the God who made the universe, the One True God, He knows me...

I have met so many beautiful people, whose hearts are freely open to love. The smiles and the joy shine through their eyes and I am truly lucky to be a part of their lives. I pray that God will shine through me and fill my weaknesses with His perfect love. I am at ease and happy to be a part of something that is, in all ways, so much greater than myself.

come va??

2010-09-12T07:00:00.000-07:00

okaey. (this is how they say it here).

as of afew days ago...i am now a resident of scandicci italy! hopefully you have found the adress to my italy blog (ww.receivingsight.blogspot.com) and have filled in the blanks for yourself.

stepping off of the plane into italia was as if no time had passed since i left over two years ago. the smells, the language, the sights, everything still glorious; and i remembered bliss.

Downtown Firenze.

it was the second evening before i got downtown. immediately stepping off of the bus onto the ground, i was surrounded by the smell of Firenze. my eyes were fascinated by my surroundings. the people, their dress( i know i am in the right place when in less than a week i have spotted gree, purple, pink, orange-and others inbetween!-colored pants! not only this but they mix this with lets say a red pair of sneakers...or a flowly only sleeved tunic under a stripped fit tee- LOVE this), the architecture, the light, the terra cotta! I am in love with this city. I love feeling together. by this i mean compacted. not so that one becomes agrophobic- but rather the opposite effect it true. i feel secure. confident. dare i say content? When my eyes laid sight of the Duomo, i could hold it in no longer. my steps quickened as I made my way. and there it stood, as it has for over 600 yrs now- perfect as i remembered it.

that night in the city, i remembered what it was to be calm. i was not calm in my emotion to soak up the city, rather my spirit was at ease. the same was true just yesterday, the goup took a tour around Firenze and made our way to the top of the Piazza di Michelagelo to enjoy a picnic panini pranza. i had just finished and i was walking about the edge of the piazza overlooking the citta(city). it was warm outside, but with a nice breeze. i recently chopped off more of my locks in effort to free myself even further and simplify...myself- if that makes any sense. so the wind was brushing my hair out of my face and i was standing still and all of the sudden the thought crossed me- is this what it is to enjoy? to relax?

The Piazza di Michelangelo.

im starting to understand that i need to smile more. ha. this sounds, as Laura would say, morbid, but i realize that my mind is always in process of many many thoughts, and consequently i appear to be...frowning. not so! honestly, i am only thinking but, i am realizing that this "look" can be a stand off to others....so when i am still in mid thought- i remember what i must look like- and i try to remember to smile! haha. even when i am at ease- my forhead still makes this scary look of contemplation.....must fix this asap! ha. this reminds me of a blog a was reading before Eric and I left Ohio.

The artist quoted Thomas Merton:

"Paradoxically, I have found peace because I have always been dissatisfied. My moments of depression and despair turn out to be renewals, new beginnings. If I were to settle down and be satisfied with the surface of life, with its divisions and its cliches, it would be time to call in the undertaker. This dissatisfaction which sometimes used to worry me has helped me to move freely and even gaily with the stream of life." (Thomas Merton)

Then she, the blogger, Laura Tovar, added: I love this guy...His writing is clear and concise and he makes complicated stuff simple. I get exactly what he is talking about and what he means by dissatisfaction...especially when it comes to my art. I often feel like things could go faster, I could work smarter, better choices could be made. It's always something...but I wouldn't have it any other way. Complacency is death to an artist. Being dissatisfied is ok.

I love the last line: complacency is death to an artist. it rings so true on so many different levels. All of this to say, maybe my contemplation isnt so bad, only i need to not show it so obviously on my face. ha.

on the flip side- the italian ease is quite infectious. i am very much enjoying their way. the sharp hand gestures, the sense of confidence/security, the loudness, the curiousity! just yesterday we were dropping by the coffee bar to pick up some bus tickets before our excursion in to Firenze when, what did i spot??? a wennie dog!!!! he was older than minnie and marie, and he was all black. after ooing and awing over him to his master and giving him lots of love, i waited outside for the others to finish purchasing their tickets- when the cane (dog) and his owner came out and began walking away. Because their backs were turned to me, i quickly shot a photo. Little to my knowledge there were two older gentlemen who had already washed down their espresso's outside watching me!! they said something to me which i obviously did not understand (side note- i hate not knowing how to respond with anything other than, ah scusa, mi dispiache! non capisto italiano!-ah, excuse me, i am sorry, i do not understand italian! i am getting vocab and verb conjugations on note cards immediately.)... but i picked up that he was inquiring over the photo i just snapped. after saying my three phrase excuse...they still wanted to know! and were still attempting to converse with me. so i thought okaey.... what words do i know?? so i pointed at the donna and her cane and said, io ho photo il cane! me, io due cane al la casa... il cane! even though it was totally butchered and im sure sounded like a two year old, i tried! they smiled and laughed and before we said ciao!-i think they understood. it was fun. this part has been the most exciting. when i get to conversate with the italians. they are fascinating to me.

Il Cane!

La Donne e sua cane.

The Two older gentlemen.

This past weekend we hosted a weekend retreat for young italian christians throughout italy here at the scuola. this has been so rewarding in so many different ways. it has been so encouraging to me a christian of 13 yrs now to see and to hear the new brothers and sisters in Christ. Their excitment and assurity is so uplifing. last night Daniela, a 15 yr old bella who was baptized only about 1 month ago, was sharing her favorite Bible verse with me. Mark 16:16. " Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemed." So simple. but the light in her eyes and on her face, was moving. It is written here for everyone to believe and to be saved- so that everyone can have life and have it to the fullest! John 10:10. And this young girl saw it, and chose life! it really was as if she was telling me the good news! i wish i coudl have captured her at that moment for you to see, but nevertheless, she is captured in my heart. wonderful. benessimo!

Me and Daniela

The new.

2010-08-27T22:39:00.000-07:00

to begin to explain what i have been doing these past 2 weeks, check out my new post on my italia blog. more updates to follow shortly.

http://receivingsight.blogspot.com/

JOY

2010-08-24T21:04:00.000-07:00

my cup is flowing over undescribable JOY. from every angle God is blessing me and i will to soak up every ounce! every day i am humbled and surrounded by goodness. i have been encouraged every day more than the one before it. i cannot wait to tell all of the details. wait for the next post, or more likely the next few, they will be worth the wait.

"Do not let your hearts be Troubled. Trust God; trust also in me."
John 14:1

i thinking about.....

2010-08-24T20:51:00.000-07:00

i am itchy today.

i woke up in a burst this morning. after waking up countless times to a buzzy....creeky noise- one at first i was assured was none other than a cricket- but by the 5th awaking- not so sure what it was. whatever it was hours later in between, by 6:29ish i was up. one of those awakenings where I sat straight up and adressed the morning for what it was. i gulped down my 3 cups of coffee as if i had a 13 pg term paper due in less than an hour, straightened my newly chopped sprouts, and one leg after the other climbed into one of my favorite taupe skirts.

this past week has been one of many changes, revelations, scares, and loves. right now i still feel as if my skin will fall off in consequence of having zero contact with paint for amost 2months now- almost 60 days-zero paint=constant skin crawl.

havent i had this revelation before you say? OF COURSE I have. why i choose not to listen and remember my follies- that is the mystery. while in ohio my mom and i were browsing through the clearance rack outside of one of the biggest known book chains, when i came across an anxiety and phobia workbook! ha! after thumbing through and noticing the ultra obvious orange sticker $6- i thought to myself- why not?

im on page 130ish of i dont know how many more, but already the $6 was well spent and my anxieties have been confirmed medically, biologically, and according to past experiences....however back to the point of peeling my skin off- it also reconfirmed that i have the power to reduce the power of the all too familiar rapid heartbeats! eating well, excercising, SLEEPING adequatley- which for me is i must admit a solid 8 hrs!- , and hello world- PAINTING! above all of these is the most important- which i have known for years longer is, communion with and daily dedication to God.

since my last post we had just arrived home from the coast- since then our feet have ceased to be still. currently eric and i along with 5 other new friends are entering into the second of a two week intensive training in arkansas. our day begins at 8a and ends around 930p after dinner. what do i have to say about all of this?

first, even though yes, i am an artist. becauseof this fact i have found it extremely difficult, if not impossible, to even contemplate resolving to any other type of 9-5 job. i enjoy change, moving, wondering, pondering (although i know this also too many times serves as a plank to my dimise), poking, asking questions, creating solutions.....i do not really enjoy instructions- especially concrete ones, and traditions cause quite a steady flow of anxiety (go figure) .....at the end of the day, when we are honest with ourselves, it is almost factual to say that most artists enjoy setting their own rules to live by.... in other words... its all about me! what do i want to create?? what am i feeling today?? how can i push to change the norm?? what is it i want to tell the world today??? funny as it may be, i suppose, my feet are beginning to scratch the pavement called reality..

Although honestly, i may struggle with focusing on self expression as an artist, i do not in my every day life apart from creating. however, after these past 9 days, i have to ask myself, what is my attitude saying? my heart my be searching, but how am i behaving outwardly?? am i grateful?? do i really do my best to keep a positive spirit?

studying this week under some of the most beautiful hearts and confident minds i believe i will ever have the pleasure of knowing, i am mystified with myself. yes artists are off beat. yes, i literally itch to paint, yes i deal on a daily, if not hourly, basis with senseless anxieties, but, LIGHTBULB, none of this means that i therefore cannot choose to live more fully. "Be Holy as I am Holy." choose liberty. confession, sometimes i like to compartmentalize my identity as an artist as something that I am doing, something that is MINE. when in reality, everything i have, everything i am, is HIS. Glory and honor and every good thing be to the Father forever.

ps....in case you were still wondering, i didnt paint today, and my skin didnt fall off. ha!

i need you

2010-08-23T05:04:00.001-07:00

i feel like if i have to go one more day without painting, my skin will fall off.

Because this IS an art blog......

2010-08-09T07:49:00.000-07:00

Lately there have been so many changes coming and going, art has taken the back seat this past month. good times are ahead and i cant wait to post paintings finished in italia! until then, sketches such as this one will have to suffice.

this past weekend we visited my grandparents at their camp in Neola WV- 10 min from the famous Greenbrier.... we cooked, ate, laughed, tried to catch some crawdaddies, and were almost thrown off the back of popaws new f150......wat else could one want from the wild and wonderful wv?? this sketch is of the precher at their church. in attendance were 9 people including the 5 of us =) JD (the preacher) didnt let that stop him from an amazing lesson- preaching as though there were 600 in attendance.

btw this is in my new Bible/ sketchbook! filling up the pages pronto.

My Pride and Joy

2010-08-06T12:36:00.000-07:00

The girls, as i like to refer to them instead of what they actually are, dogs, had a BLAST at the beach. The pics in the grass was when we took them to their first dog park.

House of Blues

2010-08-06T11:27:00.000-07:00

The Last day of vacation we went to the House of Blues. it is an art lovers must see. all kinds of modern art everywhere....old junkie ...stuff everywhere! it was like all the treasures you could ever collect-all hung together in an oranized...chaos. i especially enjoyed the old shoes pasted on the ceilings and around the doors. the food was great- and bonus- the tables were covered in crate paper. loved this place!

Two MUST reads

2010-07-27T08:28:00.000-07:00

i cant believe i havent made a post for these sooner. i am still vacationing in the sun and havent had the time to properlly post, but i was itching to post something. so anyways, here they are. my two favorite books about my two favorite artists. the first about Michaelangelo, the second Van Gogh.
i am currently reading the agony and the ecasty for my second time. i find myself dragging my feet to finish simply bc i dont want it to end! moving, inspirational, thoughful......makes you feel as though YOU CAN change the world! ha. read it. you won be able to put it down. same for vincent. if you are an artist, you simply MUST.

Classroom Murals

2010-07-12T17:37:00.000-07:00

love calling

2010-07-12T14:28:00.000-07:00

im looking out my parents back door and watching water flood down from the sky. puddles everywhere. wouldnt it be neat to paint a watercolor on the earth in front of you?? just recently i decided i was going to pick up running again. eric and i made the hike out to easy runners that has relocated onto the far west side of little rock. asiacs are the best shoes ever. if you think you dont enjoy running, i bet you havent tried out an asaic. it will change your perspective im sure of it. anyways, ive been practicing ( training?? trying to run???) pretty well considering moving out of 18 Buttercup Ln, quitting work, saying goodbyes, packing, planning.....today was my first run in about a week. in the middle of the mile the rain began. Before I knew it Beckah Shae was singing on my ipod and my feet felt as if they could fly! i began thinking of all of the good things God has placed in my life lately. too many blessings to count. He is my reason to move, to live,breathe, and to try. He is the love of my life, my closest of friends, my comfort, my peace, my confident. With Him I can do all things because it is His strength that gives me LIFE.
best run of my life.

i will admit i am still a little scared of the upcoming events.....but i know this is it. its so exciting to finally be living in the moment. when i feel weak i think about His power, and I am strong. I have never felt this type of joy and fulfillment and the journey hasn't even began yet!....or has it??

Ive been meaning to document this dream before i forget it. its been over a year now since Ive had this dream and i cant forget it, so, here it is. get ready, its kind of a loaded one.

this began as a race. hundreds of people swarming all around me. we were all moving together, and yet i was feeling as though i couldn't catch up. in the middle i realized we were running through what looked like the inside of Versailles, streaming through the hallways, filling the rooms as soon as we entered, and at the end of one of the pink rooms before entering the green one was a toll booth. i of course was caught up bc i didn't have enough cash/change and no one would help me. i stood dancing around frustrated anxious. .....i cant remember how, but i finally made it through. next came a massive tall and wide blue hallway. if you've ever been in a train station in a big city-kind of like that-except the ceilings were even taller and it it was arched with windows. at this point in the dream i just kept thinking how i had to catch up! i was behind and had to make up for it. i immediately grew stilt like legs that were like noodles, and i began springing up and hopping over crowds and crowds of people. after a few of these big leaps i had made it to the end of the hallway. i shrank back down to normal size and turned left down a shorter hallway where a tall thin elevator-hop looking man stood with hat and uniform in front of a big bolted dark blue-grey iron door that had a handle. this bell hop man had the say of who could or could not enter(into heaven). there were only a few people a head of me and when it was my turn i looked at him and the closed door, anxious as i could ever be and blurted out, "did i make it?!? can i go in??!" the bell hop shook his head no and i freaked out assuming the alternative (hell).... then the bell hop jumped in and said that i was not being condemned to the other place but only that i had to re-do my race. he said i hadn't enjoyed it during the time, and that i was instructed to run again and this time to enjoy it.

interesting?? i ll say. looking back, when i had this dream i really wasn't enjoying life, but living it as a race. I believe whole heartily that God gave me this revelation to choose to do something about it.........here i am a year later, enjoying life and so thankful for the changes God has made in me!

on a lighter note- moving was quite an experience. we started off organized- bubble wrap, categorizing, and cleaning in between. by the end we were throwing, shoving, and cramming every inch of our 16ft budget truck! thank goodness for my sweet parents for coming to help. i think eric and i might still be standing motionless out of shock in our living room if it werent for them! we made the 12 hr trip all day saturday and after worship spent sunday unpacking boxes and boxes of stuff....and heavy furniture and art...... just short of two months until departure for italy!!! guess i can finally say its starting to feel a little bit real.

Rain

2010-07-03T21:16:00.000-07:00

"Rain"
Florence Italy
Watercolor on Paper
4 x 6 in

How cool is this?!?!

2010-06-29T09:12:00.000-07:00

My new Bible!! it has a built in sketch book! I started transferring my notes this morning.

a verse that sums up the point:

Romans 13:12

"and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule:"Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does not harm to its neighbor. therefore LOVE is the fulfillment of the law."

abstract #1

2010-06-29T08:54:00.000-07:00

what do you think about this?!?

absract 1

6in square
watercolor on paper

im beginning to see an orange and blue pattern alot in my life lately.....

Miniato

2010-06-29T08:51:00.000-07:00

Miniato

4x6in
watercolor on paper

i bough this paper in italy 2 yrs ago and i am just now putting it to good use! ha.
fyi.... this is the church we named our little Minnie after. =)

nerves

2010-06-27T13:44:00.000-07:00

man oh man. i have truly experienced the hand of the Almighty.

lately everything that could go well has been absolutely tremendous and anything that had a chance of sliding, has instead shot up towards the heavens. praise God!!

however, i have been anxious! so so annoying it is to be anxious! today, i was ill. i have been fighting a nasty temple headache combined with an annoying tension in my neck. this morning i awoke to two clogged nostrills and a groggy slow to breathe throat. after a long nap, lots of orange powerraide, and some animal crackers, i am through being anxious! done, finished!! no more!

the past few days have previously have been wonderful. the past 48 hrs have been filled with shopping, eating, and talking! i even was introduced to a new tasty pleasure in little rock that serves simply the best soft serve frozen yogurt and to even further enhance its greatness is the choice of freshly diced fruit options. on friday i chose the original yogurt and topped it off with a scoop of starberries, blueberries, kiwi, and 3 blackberries. yum.

other updates include: chopping 8 inches off of my precious locks and donating them to panteen ( sorry Locks of Love- i just couldnt make it to 10! ) the countdown of 14 days until eric and i move out of our very first home and come 1 step further to italia has begun, i sold a painting of my friend lyn, and eric and i have now been married four years and 11 days! can you believe it?? oh and i had another birthday-#23.....an offical adult.

today tin the spirit of riding myself of stupid anxieties, i am reading. three things actually: the Bible, Between A Rock and A Hardplace, and Battlefield of The Mind. in between time i am painting a few very small watercolor abstracts- which will be posted hopefully later tonight; as well as finishing up some very important thank you notes.

i will tell you the secret to what makes a great watercolor: patience. try doing 5 other things while taking small breaks to paint, i gaurentee it will be one of your best works yet.

new hair, and a better me =)

where would i be without you?

2010-05-28T06:08:00.000-07:00

Spanish Steps a Due
Watercolor and ink on paper

where would i be without you watercolor??? oh how i have missed you!

Stillness

2010-05-14T14:07:00.000-07:00

i had another anxiety attack today. i really dont even know what it was about actually- other than under the obvious umbrella entitled "work." I havent slept good lately. seems like no matter how much sleep i get, its not enough. today i started the day off with 2 cups of foldgers at 6:34am only to be strolling down to starbucks 3 hrs later for a tall nonfat carmel macchiaitto.

i painted the night before last. watercolor. it was marvelous to blot puddles all around the 300 lb paper. subject? non other than Roma. wait for it.its going to be a good one.

Lots has happened since our last meet. i find myself making stickie notes in my mind about everything i need to tell you about.

three things- shopping, money, and stillness.

first i will tell you about stillness.

i dont know if youve ever experienced any sort of anxiety. if you havent, how nice for you, and if you have, you know what i am talking about. its like a bug. an annoying habit. it sneaks up on you, most of the time from being stuffed away, and instead of an immediate explosion, it likes to take its time. starts as maybe a nervous habit- picking at your fingers, bitting your nails, twisting your hair, talking too much or not really at all.....then its the battle of the mind. confusion, fear, worry, doubt....creep in one by one until your heart is racing and somehow you have forgotten to know what it means to simply breathe. This can run its course in a matter of minutes, hours, or even days until the full out attack is present and in control.

for me, im discovering that most of the time i build subconsciously- which is even worse bc i am stressed all of the time- without ever even knowing it....

along with making overdue phone calls, i enjoy talking with God on my way to and from work. it has been a few weeks now since this event, but i have to share it with you.

This particular morning I was rather antsy. i tried tunning into the christian station...nothing "good" was on. and besides the fact i actually just wanted some quiet. after a short few minutes, i decided what i actually needed was some quality time with God. i was in prayer with Him about our journey. I kept praying "God I know you are in control. I know You are working for us. What is it I can do? Show me what i can do. please Lord let your will be done, help me to know what to do." He told me alright. I heard Him say so clearly to me "Be Still."

"Be Still" I repeated to myself in my head. "Be Still." ok God. Im still. I am still. I will wait for You. my mind began pulling files of His promises to me. "those who seek on the Lord will not lack any good thing." it was so clear to me that He was telling me to quit worrying about what I can do and to put my trust in Him- allow Him to do the work. I let it sink in for about 7 min and decided I had heard directly from the Almighty and I would not ask Him again ....I flipped on the radio and the Christian station that is almost always clear was unavailable. i hit the scan button.

the first station that hit was a woman speaking about God. I thought "why not." i turned it up. the first few phrases were unclear; a little static fuzzy. The first thing I heard her say was Let Go and LET GOD! she continued.......

God is not dead. He has a plan for you! Before time, He had plans for YOU. (I immediately thought Jeremiah- before I formed you in your mothers womb I knew you.) Nothing you can do will make His plans happen. It is not you. God is working for HIS plans. ( I am the vessel! ) He will bring all things together. He will surround you with goodness and provide you with strength. Our worth is in Him. He will complete the plans He has for you!

Speak it, BELIEVE IT, and live it. NEVER EVER give up.

i have no idea who this woman is/was and i dont care to know all the details.

after three or four minutes of these words, the static enveloped her and i realized what God had been trying to tell me for weeks (probably even years)- my eyes had been opened. what i have been forgetting is the fact that HE IS. He is working it out. not me. lol All i can actually physically do is exactly what He told me to do- be still and know that He is God.

lets just say the rest of the day my heart was light. have you ever felt like God was smiling at you?? i have.

it is the best feeling ever.

i want everyone to know this feeling.

MOVE!

2010-04-24T18:21:00.000-07:00

i saw alice in wonderland a few weeks ago now. it was amazing. one of my favorite movies added to these.... the holiday, youve got mail, when harry met sally....and others that at the moment i am drawing a blank on recalling. not that it matters. what really matters is the common theme. what is it they all have in common you ask? the dare to be something different. a decision to take on a dream. a desire to change. an itch to explore.

ive always felt different. misplaced even. sometimes it was even an arrogant different....confession, for a brief period in my late teens i felt i was surrounded by idoits. all the time. what am i doing here??? what is the point? i can tell you i have found the answer and it is love.

since then God has changed me in SO many ways. ive learned to fall, fail, and to win. im learning to succeed at just being me. Joyce always says, "I may not be where I need to be, but praise God Im not where I used to be." I feel like Im steadily moving. pressing forward to the goal. this inspired the very name of my blog - in search of a city- i am constantly in search of something greater; seeking out the One who has caled me...... and to some day at the end of it all, reach the beautiful city that i will someday call home.

the past two weeks has been an emotional rollar coaster- praising God for His blessings, feeling so ontop of the mountain that i literally felt that God Himself was smiling upon me. today i feel stale. you know what it is. im scared. im so close to finishing a small part of my journey, and im afraid i will or maybe even already have messed it up. i want so badly to make a difference. i want so badly to grow. to change to evolve to the woman i know God has made me and purposed me to be. i feel like im on the edge. at the moment just before the dawn. i know that i am in the presence of something great and i will not ever give up. something unexplainable, i know He is here with me.

it is not a question of doubt. I KNOW, that I know, that I know, that He loves me and is moving mountains in my life. which brings me to my other blog dedicated to this journey entitled receiving sight. thus named to remind myself of this very wall that i am hitting and to remember that without Him I am nothing BUT through Him, I am the righteouness of God through Christ! through Him anything is possible. i just have to receive His goodness! im preaching to myself. ha! i need to breahthe. to laugh! HA! haha. youre probably thinking- what she needs is a chill pill. ive found that God is really the BEST chill pill.
you should try Him sometime.

my heart is beating and I feel more alive and IN PLACE than ever before in my entire life. i feel so ready. and so blessed to have so many opportunities laid out before me.. just the other day, i was hitting the same wall and i felt God say to my heart so clearly. "Be still. I am here."

you know whats really cool, is that God never fails. I have no reason to fear. I know that He is with me, i just need to be still and receive the blessings He died for me to have.

something

2010-04-09T18:38:00.000-07:00

i am aware that lately there are obvioulsy more "writings" than art, but right now this is it.

im starting to think in blogging terms. when something happens, i imagine blogging about it. at once i run it all through in my head-even making corrections along the way, only to terribly forget it once i finally have a spare second to pull it out. sometimes i even imagine hitting apple+s. guess im not as efficient as my mac.

one thing i havent forgot.

this past week, i had an experience.
let me tell you about it.

my grandmother has been dead for a few years now. she died of lung cancer. cancer. something i have come to know over the years unfortunately well. lung, brain, liver, ive seen it all. and i suppose we all have at this point.

i called my grandmother momaw. she was a southern lady. loved her 7am gargage sale hunt on the weekends and watching football during the week. mostly she loved us kids more than anything. looking back, i see how strong of a woman she was. under appreciated, but dedicated to good and loved by everyone she met.

her hair was dyed to keep her glossy black locks. her mother, a tall Yugoslavian woman came to America to Ellis island and married a little bitty man. momaw- her name was Jo- short for Josephine- consequently wore her mother's beautiful sienna skin and inherited her father's little stature. she always wore flats- and by the time i was in my teens, they had got the best of her. No makeup-ever-worn out jeans, and rolled up cuffs of her tee-shirt- with a pair of red glasses on her head, a yellow pair around her neck, and a third in her shirt pocket- is how I remember her best. She gave THE BEST hugs. Tight, almost too tight at times, but i always knew she really did missed me; followed with a kiss on the check. "i love you jess!" she'd say.

i was at work this week when a woman asked me for help on purchasing some jeans. i tried at first to sell her the dark denim- more professional so they say. she wanted the worn light ones- in petite. i found her size and sent her back to a room. it was busy that day, so i really didnt pay much more attention to her. she was quiet but hinger eyes were sweet and innocent. a few minutes later she emerged from the dressing room wear the pants. she was standing akwardyly. like a child in trouble. they looked great on her. she was asking if they were too short. they werent. a few minutes later, she pulled me into the dressing room and showed me that the crotch of the pants was just too long. it wasnt but we had a good laugh.

her face was worn. wrinkled. i bet she was late 50's maybe 60. dyed red hair with silver and grey sprouting roots. no make up. tshirt with rolled cuffs. flipflops, and maybe a toe ring or two- now that i think of it. momaw always wore toe rings and ankle bracelets- all year round. i always thought that was funny- and cute. the lady coniuted to find me for the next 30 min or so. she sort of wandered....and then i would turn around and she would be looking at me. i thought she reminded me of someone, but i was too busy to take notice. we had a few more good laughs. i kept telling her the jeans looked great- she was still unsure or maybe just uninterested if we're honest.

i know this seems really like nothing at all- and really i cannot put into words how it is i am feeling exactly- probably bc actually i really dont know.

that evening i was talking with eric- about nothing at all- when all of the sudden i had this flood of emotion run through me. i started to cry and when he asked i told eric- i think i saw momaw today. i feel like it was her just checking in on me and my small little life. just wanting to see how i was.

everything about this woman reminded me of momaw. her stature, her body movement, her dress, her laugh, that look in her eye. i dont believe in re-incarnation...once you die, you die. but i do believe in angels. i just wonder if it really was her.

the lady left without my notice. she didnt buy anything. the last time i saw her we were laughing.

momaw certainly left with my notice. but when i remember her, i remember her smile. her love. her eyes.
she thought i was something great. and she loved me. i still really love her and i really miss her.

i dont know if seeing that woman made me more happy remembering momaw or more sad knowing that she's gone. i just know that i feel like i experenced something. and during that something, i remembered what it was like to have her again.

miss you momaw.

feelings and certainty

2010-03-31T07:16:00.000-07:00

wow yoga is incredible. Im practicing the P90 X version, must say Im pretty impressed.

updates on my grown up job: I like it. The day goes by very quickly and at the end, I earned some cash.
Downfall- my painting life is still in ruins. I feel too anxious to paint. not a good inspiring anxiety like Van Gogh used, rather, an annoying buzz floating through my mind at all hours- zapping any shread of creativity I could otherwise pile together. most of the time lately I feel as though Im only going through the motions, holding on only by faith of much better things ahead.

Painting self portraits and meaningless branches makes me ill. The other day on the drive home from work (45 min commute), I was trying desperately to find some sort of inspiration. First thoughts, Im manic. I was thinking about my sketching in church last Sunday- I was putting the sermon to pictoral refernces with words and scribbles, and when I was finished, the entire page was covered in ink. Not a white spot found, even in the eyes of the young girl in the far right row ahead of me. Manic tendancy number one of Im sure 100s to come.

My last semester of school I had Modern Art History- LOVED this class. I loved learned every artist, style, and movement- apart from the wretched work of Duchamp- I get it- but appreciate it- NO. For the final I of course had a research paper. I know Im probable one of 500 , but I so enjoy research papers! I suppose its my hunger to learn and to know why?? I had just finished "Lust for Life" a biographical novel on the life of Vincent Van Gogh- absolutely terrific. Even if you are not an artist- a must read. Of course my research was dedicated to him. After this, I find myself connected to him and his work on a deeper level. The other day in my car I actually thought to myself- maybe I would cut off my ear too if I were as frustrated as he.

Theres something about art that challenges even the artists mind and feelings. It pulls things out that one otherwise would dismiss. Even though all this talk is Im sure nothing but jabber to most, to me it is all I have left to collect my desire for more.

This and of course God- my only stable source of inspiration- my purpose and joy. I will never give up on living for Him. These moments in between blessings and fear- are what ultimately cause me to long even more for the greatness ahead. Everyone else seems to be doubting. I will not doubt. Ive been around that mountain one too many times and refuse to make another trip.

Have you ever read the first stanza of James? It talks about this very thing. James calls the doubting man double minded, unstable, tossed back and forth like the seas. ......At the end it says that he will receive nothing from the Lord. Nothing is a strong word. One that I want no part of. FOr this reason and so many others, I choose to press forward and seek blessings from the God who has promised great things ahead. Stay tunned.

the phases of inspiration.....or lack there of.. ....

2010-03-25T17:09:00.000-07:00

another little study

2010-03-25T16:58:00.000-07:00

i started this a couple of days ago.

all in all it only took a couple hrs total.

its funny though that i didnt just finish the other night. of course today i had to pick off new branches bc the old ones were wilting. .... it makes me wonder just how fast Vincent painted......i was thinking of him when i did this study.

it isnt always about the end masterpiece, but more about the day to day discovery of self. one would argue that the practice is better than the result.

finally a painting!

2010-03-21T06:54:00.000-07:00

i smelled a candle this afternoon that instantly reminded me of my childhood nanny. i lingered for just a little while and remembered her scent.

i never enjoy self portraits. i was so utterly desperate for a face that i was forced to use what was available.
someone once said that you had better go ahead and take a healthy likeing to yourself, bc you are someone you can never get rid of......

i know this doesnt really resemble me. self portraits for some reason never turn out for me. im sure youre thinking theres a deep hidden meaning to this, but the honest answer is there is not.

anyways, i did enjoy it. my nose is too pig like. the left side of my face- too wide. and even the coloring may be a bit too violet, but i really dont care. this one was for practice. i needed so badly just to paint. i felt all clamy and dried up inside. like the inside of a tube of napels watercolor that you "forgot" to screw the cap on....i swear if i had to paint one more glob of green on that landscape i wouldve went mad.

i feel better now. refreshed. i tried to explain this to eric.. . . "its wrong on purpose...well not on purpose, but on accident and the accident is the point of it." God bless him for humoring me. i never want to become complacent in my work. i never want it to feel mechanical or to become predictable. i dont want to be satisified. most importantly i dont want to be afraid. that was the point of this exercise. i want to be able to fail and to grow.

i broke some newly budded branches of the tree on Buttercup today. Hopefully i'll get to paint them tomorrow.

move along.....

2010-03-16T06:27:00.000-07:00

today is a new day.

sorry still no finished work to be shown. The painting I am desperatley trying to finish is a landscape of ....you guessed it ITALIA! there are parts of it that I love and others that I wish would leave me alone. Anyways, I hope to very soon be done already and have something to show for myself.

I think Im hitting a creative wall. I need some new inspiration. A new face to paint. Any takers?

Today in about 90 min I will be starting a day job. No specifics - other than to classify as retail. We'll see how this pans out. Hopefully the straining of my right brain will be refreshed and inspired to do some new work when I get home tonight.

Stay Tunned.

Mobile uploads of the girls

2010-03-06T16:05:00.000-08:00

This is Marie's place to ride in the car. She LOVES it. Shes done it since she was just a baby.

I was trying to fix dinner and hold Minnie at the same time. .. this was the solution =)

From the time of Minnie's first car ride, she climbed right on up!

How adorable is this? I mean really.

Minnie and her platypus. LOVES this thing.

Look what I can do!!

2010-03-06T15:51:00.000-08:00

yesterday I got a little stir crazy and decided it was time to make use of the fabric I had bought back in December. its funny, this little, plain, simple looking shirt took me all day yesterday to finish! Sewing and figuring out the design and fit actualy was easy. It was getting the bobbin to bobb that was the hardest part! at one point I turned the machine upside down and stuck the thread through myself! that is the reward of an "i can do it all by myself, thank you" attitude . . . . my next project is my easter dress. now that will be interesting. . .

2010-02-25T12:17:00.001-08:00

Get a free hit counter here.

1 banana 2 banana 3 banana . . .

2010-02-24T10:43:00.000-08:00

ten minutes until my pizza rolls are done.

do you ever get annoyed that no matter how much you eat, it never fails, three hours later youre hungry again?? i would like one day to get all of my eating done and out of the way by 9 oclock, then the rest of the day would be mine to do with whatever i please- not to be inturupted by eating breaks every 3 seconds. oatmeal at 8, yogurt at 10, pizza rolls 12:30...

last night i had a panic attatck....

Im painting again today. nothing glorious it seems, only moving along....i want it to be finished.

yesterday afternoon, I signed up to teach the 3rd grd wed night bible class. this should be interesting. I am accustomed to the 4 and 5s. innocent, sweet, sticky fingers, yes. It was a few months ago that I filled in for my friend to teach her 2nd grd class. who knew 2nd graders were so grown up and assertive? They wanted to know why? and where was their snack? and if they were quiet what would be their reward?? lol. I was obviously not prepared. After watching them move along so smoothly from activity to activity with my friend Elaine- I thought it would be a breeze. I quickly learned that the breeze was becuase of Elaine's control- not the choice of the kiddos. =)

Anyways, I decided to take these 3rd graders on for a semester of challenge.

ps I got a red streak in my hair....

born again

2010-02-19T11:58:00.000-08:00

im sitting peacefully in the sun staring up at my crisp new canvas. Im waiting paitently for the red orange acrylic undercoat to dry so that I can begin.

I cant tell you enough how alive I suddenly feel when I am starting a new painting. Something comes over my whole body. Im transfixed on the possibilites that are so close in reach.

Today is a beautiful sunny February day in Arkansas. This morning I took the girls for their first walk together. This was quite a sight to be seen! My poor little Minnie desperatley wanted nothing more but a rest brake, while Marie, my fire engine, was steaming full speed ahead. It wasnt half way around the block until they got it. Minnie still a little bit behind was loving trying to catch Marie, and Marie was enjoying stringing her along.

Now, I am quiet and happy to be cluttered again in my studio. Ive had it cleaned out now for about a month and a half, trying to allow potential buyers to better envision what this room could be for them. Truth be told, I have grwon more and more cranky as the days go by that my hand is not in contact with a brush! Today was the day to begin again.

The addrealine rush and the giddyness that washes over me is mind boggeling. I think to myself, what will I create this time? . . . . . something great, something momumential, something that will change the world!!!!

Picking up the brush just minutes ago for the first time in over a month was truely a breath of fresh air. i paused just a second to allow the calmness to sink in. Painting is more enlightening that anything else I have ever practiced. I feel closest to the Father when I am painting. I feel alive. I feel like Im moving, steadily breathing in a new spirit of peace and joy. I feel when I am painting a sense of completeness. A sense of self worth, a confidence that I can do these things that are set before me, and that I will do them well.

Im learning alot about myself, alot about what I mean when I say that I am a follower of the one true Christ. Im learning that I am not mine, but that I am His. I am beautifully and wonderfully made, and I am made to worship Him who sent me. The peace that washes over me when I think of His plans for me is monumental.

Have you ever been to a church service where you were absolutley the youngest person in attendance? Youngest by a good fourty years??? I have. It was just last wednseday. My husband and I attended an early wednesday night service. It was held in a small auditorium, one in which 150ish people made the room feel tight. Of course I was late, and sank into the back row of fold up chairs. Service began with a rememberance of the sick and shut-in, a reminder for prayer and visit. Followed this was a prayer and then began the song leading. Today, most of the older hyms in the song books are not as valued by my generation as they once were to those 50 yrs prior. The song leader opened with the classic, "Amazing Grace." I have to tell you that from the first stanza to the last, I felt beside myself.

Have you ever known that you were in the presence of something great, and was able to realize it that very moment?? I gazed around the room at these people aged 60 and up, these men and women, husbands, wives, widows, and widowers, and realzied that I was in the presence of something great. Its hard to say exactly how long these people have followed Christ. ...but it is my guess that it was for the majority of their life. None of us are perfect. We all mess up, sin, and stray, but as I looked around and heard the loud confident praises, I myself was amazed. I was in the presence of ones who had dedicated their lives to One who is the Almighty, ones who had surely strived to keep His will and commandments. I knew among them were ones that had traveled abroad and dedicated 30 yrs plus, to sharing the good news, and ones alike, who instead were called to stay and share. I wondered then, how they felt at this moment. Were they satisfied? Did they feel full of the spirit? Were they complete?? Were they happy or excited to soon finally be meeting the One who called them?? I felt sure that they were. .

Someday, years from now, I wonder who will be wondering about me. And I can only imagine the joy that I will have by then.

Looks like my canvas is ready, time to paint . . .

believe it or not, this was not staged!!

2010-01-09T18:19:00.001-08:00

i was painting in my dinning room when i heard something... i looked over and there was minnie all curled up on this ceramic plate under my green buffet! needless to say i RAN for my camera! =)

meet my minnie

2010-01-09T18:12:00.001-08:00

first painting of 2010!!

2010-01-09T16:00:00.000-08:00

London England

watercolor on paper

January 2010

sewing old paintings anew

2010-01-05T12:05:00.000-08:00

im sitting quietly alone in my studio. i have to dig to find a place to sit facing my double window- whose blinds i always keep closed.

the girls are in their kennels- oh yeah btw i got marie a playmate for christmas. we call her minnie- short for minato- my favorite church in all of italia. marie antoinette and minato- oh the fun the two will have together.. .

how i have missed blogging!! and the creative after effects it leaves with me. these past two weeks i visited family up north....sadly i have to admit i have somewhere along the way became accustomed to the south. my visit reminded me just how cold and snippy the north proves always to be. i dont see myself returning for any lengthy period of time.

2010. what will it bring? im reminiscing on the last year. i bought my first home, graduated college with a long coveted BFA in painting, bought two puppies, and have begun to tunnel my way through the art world with my work taking rent and selling out of Stephano's Fine Art Gallery in LR.

___________________________________________**check it out- http://www.stephanostudios.com

actually im looking at a piece that just sold- "Eyes Wide Open." i wasnt myself when i made this piece. its unlike most anything else ive made. . . .pat of me hates it while the other is fascinated by it. . . nevertheless someone liked it! liked it enough to BUY!

im pondering what this new year will have to offer. i never make new years resolutions. first of all i know myself too well to know that goals for me are more of like an outline....i hated making outlines in english class....its like a set of rules staring you...just waiting for you to miss a point...thereofore, im a product of my procrastination, a wanderer, a fly the seat of her pants kind of girl. and oddly enough, it works for me. anyways all that said, i am secretly making a few and tucking them into my subconscious so that i will not be able to consciously avoid them.

1. i will read the bible entirely this year- OLD and NEW. and yes, both parts MATTER.

2. i will learn italiano this year to prepare for upcoming missions around italia. i even got rosetta stone for christmas. ... i guess this commitment is all to out in the open...better stay focused.

3. i will make art..... this one although seemingly very obvious, is important to continue to be inspired. surround self with interesting things, people, places, packaging- ha. speaking of i argued with a sales girl at a trendy clothing store about the gift card packaging my sister was purchasing for my husband. she wanted to simply hand me the card. she completely disregarded the packaging that went with it and had "no clue" why it was even there. i lurched over the counter to give her a brief lesson on package design and why it was important to not only the seller but the buyer as well. i mean if you are reading this blog, you must at least a little bit enjoy package design...am i right?? i buy stuff all the time simply because i simply must have the packaging.

case in paint- inspiration is KEY.

heres a small tidbit- have you seen the new movie sherlock holmes? if not go! its excellent. kept my attention the entire 2 plus hrs and gave my RLS a run for its money! theres a scene in the movie where holmes is meeting his dr friend and the girlfriend for dinner. he's early and sitting alone. he 's intently taking on all kinds of different things around him- annoying tapping, obnoxious laughs, conversations.....and you can tell its all getting to him... do you ever feel like that?? i have to admit i do sometimes.

these past few months i feel satisfied very much with my life and more work. believe it or not, i have become a lot more even keel than my usual flighty self. ive learned that life isnt all about me and more importantly im happy its not. ive experienced the joy of giving, and the blessings of good true friendships. again im very satisfied with my work and progress as an artist, and i know very much that it is a true gift from the Father. this fact keeps me ever so close to Him. He gave me a talent that He himself posseses. its amazing. "when i paint the brush strokes come like speech"- Vincent Van Gogh. I often like to ponder how God himself felt when He created the world.

Genesis chapter 1 - NKJ version

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. ²The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.
³ Then God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light. ⁴And God saw the light, that it was good; and God divided the light from the darkness. ⁵ God called the light Day, and the darkness He called Night. So the evening and the morning were the first day.
⁶ Then God said, “Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.” ⁷ Thus God made the firmament, and divided the waters which wereunder the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament; and it was so. ⁸ And God called the firmament Heaven. So the evening and the morning were the second day.
⁹ Then God said, “Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear”; and it was so. ¹⁰ And God called the dry land Earth, and the gathering together of the waters He called Seas. And God saw that it was good.

i mean, can you even imagine?? i always hang on verse 2 - and the spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.....wow.

and verse 9- And God saw that it was good.

all of this in three days. i serve such an amazing God. somebody used to say she was a daughter of a king- how much better could it get?? isnt that so true? sometimes i get so wrapped up in have tos and ought tos that i forget the blessings just floating around me every day....must remember to reach out and grab them!

traveling to italy in 2008 truely changed me forever as a person. i suppose- well i know- this is why i am always so longing to be back there. life was simple. beautiful and simple. every morning i rose to see the beautiful red orange sunset outside my window that soared across florence, touching every hilltop and ancient building rooftop. the days were spent walking the streets with a backpack and map in hand enjoying the journey and an occasional gelato. sure- half the time i was starved, miserably hot, dirty, and tired- but in that month, i found the meaning of life. relationships.

even Jesus Himself broke it down in the New Testament in Matthew

Jesus said to him, “ ‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ ³⁸This is the first and great commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

this life is about loving each other as Christ did and sharing with them the good news. if we cannot love each other and build each other up- what is the point?? nothing else is eternal. Jesus and His constant LOVE

is eternal.

im committing myself this year to growth. growth as an artist, a wife, a friend, a sister, as a follower of the Christ Jesus. im excited to discover what many blessings will flow out of this commitment..... stay tuned=)

classroom murals

2009-12-18T13:49:00.000-08:00

here are the murals for the 1 yr olds classroom at church i just finished painting today.. .

. . .back wall . . .

. . .side wall . . .

to do list

2009-12-17T14:01:00.000-08:00

recently ive found myself at an all to familiar crossroad.

as an artist i think i am a different sort of person.. . in more ways than i can possible begin to describe.

everyday proves to be a constant finding of new interests. usually this gumball machine outlook keeps me refreshed, enlightened, and believe it or not- steady. however a small percent of the time i feel a little pressed for time. thats right im 22 and i feel pressed for time!

i remember even as a little girl not being able to decide what i wanted to be when i grew up- this of course not diminishing the passion i have for art- rather intensifying it by my ever growing curiosity for everything that crossed my path. ok everything is a strong word- never in my life have i desired to be a mathematician for example.... or a system programmer, a teller at the bank, ew or an accountant. i guess the obvious reason being no room to breathe in those careers- a simple black and white delegation of right and wrong. no room for creative outlet- which i so desperately require. i need to be in the grey people!! sick. the thought of crunching numbers all day!!gives me the jeebies! and why?? i suppose in reality we do need these people.... or do we?

lately my brain is stuck at a road jam called LIFE. i need to sort out the things that i will someday do versus what i will do in the near future. . . . and list the things that are alas but dreams.

some quick facts about me:

1. im married to my best friend.

2. i own a mini Winnie dag named marie antoinette.

3. i speak french.

4. i am officially a home owner.

5. i love italy.

6. i am messy.

7. i hate mayonnaise. it repulses me.

8. i love going to the movies.

9. i believe there are two types of art- good art and bad art.

10. i serve an amazing God.

ok here it goes all the "i wants" out of life. . . for right now anyways.

1. i want a masters of fine art.

2. i want to dance.

3. i want to live in a foreign country.

4. i want to learn italian.

5. when i die, i want to hear these words, "well done, good and faithful servant."

6. i want to help people.

7. i want to love others unconditionally.

8. i want to learn carpentry.

9. i want to not be afraid.

10. i want to have a steady prayer life.

11. i want to create something new everyday.

12. i want to do photography.

13. i want to write a column in the NY Times.

14. i want my art to mean something to the world.

15. i want my art to go over seas.

16. i want to serve others with my whole heart.

17. i want to paint on a canvas that is as big as my living room.

18. i want to live backpacking around Europe for at least a year.

19. i want to visit every country.

20. i want to study psychology.

21. i want a tattoo.

22. i want to be free.

23. i want to adopt.

24. i want to be fluent in several languages.

25. i want to visit alaska.

26. i want to see God.

27. i want to make a difference.

28. i want to feed the hungry.

29. i want to try to ski.

30. i want to learn the hebrew language.

31. i want to read the entire bible.

32. i want to be a college professor.

33. i want to be a potter.

34. i want to paint a ceiling.

35. i want to live in italy.

36. i want to see Mt St. Michael.

37. i want to paint murals at St Jude.

38. i want to be strong like an athlete.

39. i want to like grapefruit!

40. i want more Biblical knowledge.

41. i want wisdom.

42. i want to learn piano.

43. i want to live in a city.

44. i want to run a marathon.

something tells me this list will continue on later....

italy, italy, ITALY! i miss you. . .

2009-12-10T12:56:00.000-08:00

untitled

venice, italy

oil on canvas

11 x 14 in

December 2009

another one bites the dust!

2009-12-08T09:21:00.000-08:00

"Falling"

oil on canvas

18 x 24 in

"The ideas of men go buzz and die like gnats; men change their institutions and their customs as they change their coats;the intellectual triumphs of one age are the follies of another; only great art remains stable and unobscure. . . because the feelings that it awakens are independent of time and place, because its kingdom is not of this word." - CLIVE BELL

much better!

2009-12-07T19:09:00.000-08:00

"The emotions are sometimes so strong that I work without knowing it. The strokes come like speech."-VINCENT VAN GOGH

"Until the Sky is Falling Down"

oil on canvas

30 x 40 in

"When I am in a painting, Im not aware of what Im doing. It is only after a sort of 'get acquainted' perios that I see what I have been about. I have no fears about making changes, destroying the image etc because the painting has a life of its own. I try to let it come through. It is only when I lose contact wit the painting that the result is a mess."- Jackson Pollock

doing it afraid

2009-12-07T10:38:00.000-08:00

Im taking a mini brake from my painting.. . I needed to get a fresh look so i thought i'd let some thoughts fly in the mean time.

last night i encountered opinions on art that were deeply . . . . distressing.

i was immediately reminded of a favorite art theorist clive bell who said-

" for i am certain that most of those who visit galleries do feel very much what i feel at concerts. they have their pure moments of ecasty; but the moments are short and unsure. soon they fall back into the world of human interests and feel emotions, good no doubt, but inferior. i do not dream of saying that what they get from art is bad or nugatory; i say that they do not get the best that art can give. i do not say that they cannot understand art; rather i say that they cannot understand the state if mind of those who understand it best. . . .i say they miss the full significance."

. . . "they are deaf men at a concert."

right on mr bell. its hard being the round peg who is surrounded by so many square ones- but then again its almost invigorating that you know something that they will probably never get to experience. . . its like a little secret. my little gennie in my blue bottle. thats how i beginning to treat these types of disturbances. i let the person talk on and on- allow then to stay complacent. swimming round and round in their itsy-bity boring little fish bowl whilst i take on the world! ha! but really isnt that what its about? finding yourself? figuring out what you want to contribute in this life. my mom always used to tell me that if i could dream it- i could do it. i still live everyday by that very philosophy. this life is so so so short. beautiful but short. i would like to look back and know that i was true to my heart and to my Lord. that at least i tried. that i lived an learned, and that i did even if i was afraid.

i ve never really admired much of anything of jackson pollocks life, or work, for that matter but one thing he said has always stuck with me - 'there is no beginning and no end.' i keep this floating around my mind with various other situations but especially in my work. i never understood trying to paint like anyone else- isnt that contradicting the whole essence of what art means anyways?? to me- its a constant journey... messing up, starting again, again, and again! the messups are what makes us bold and keeps us genuine. . .no? ' i thought it meant one who was always seeking without absolutely finding. I thought it meant the contrary from 'I know it, I have found it.' When I say that I am an artist, I only mean, I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." - vvg irving stone.

the sermon yesterday was along these lines. . not being afraid to fall. my work and my philosophies and the way i live my life are in reverence to my faith. the deaf men at concerts- remind me alot of those of us who are lost in life as well- even if we are believers- we can still be lost and afraid. the message yesterday was about enjoying Gods goodness to the fullest and how thats only possible when we fall- when we are empty of selfish ambition and want. we can only then fully depend on our Creator, and thus only then, that we may fully enjoy the life He died for us to have . so many doubts and fears- one must readily shake them off to enjoy this big beautiful concert called life.

"they know that they are in the presence of something great, but they lack the power of apprehending it."CB

2009-12-03T19:33:00.000-08:00

"Eyes Wide Open"

Oil on Canvas

30 x 40 in

2009-11-24T07:34:00.000-08:00

Katie

Estes Family Photoshoot

November 2009

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, THOUGHTS!

2009-11-20T09:38:00.000-08:00

Right now i should really be painting. Creating. Instead at the moment I feel empty. Desolute.. . and frustrated! I feel so frustrated. Blessed, but frustrated. I feel called to something so much more than who I am right now. Its like that song, Displaced, by Azure Ray (great song). Or that line from "Youve Got Mail", when meg ryan says this memorable line "Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?" I cant help it. Im a dreamer. A hopeless romantic, one who really does wish for world peace, and who sometimes feels as though I am trapped helplessly in a Seinfeild episode- surrounded by NOISE. Do you ever get that feeling? It happens to me alot, at church, at home, at Walmart, at work, so much of my time, I feel that I should be somewhere else, doing something that makes my heart grow and mind at ease. Contrarily, I feel that I am nonetheless stuck in a meaningless void with nothing but a spitefully constant buzz of noise all about me! Everyone else just drifting along - all the while , my mind races, constantly dissatisfied and searching for more. Buying day old bread and non fat milk at a SUpermarket filled with people who are LOST. Wouldnt be nice to open ones back door into a field of roses and if I thirsted for a drink of milk- I could milk the cow myself. I just recently planted three pretty pink knockout rose bushes in our front flower bed. I plucked two this morning and somehow their presence lightens my mood today. I am a christian. Did I ever mention that directly? well I am. You know, Jesus himself was a drifter. A man on a mission. Someone who was all too tenderhearted and compassionate Himself. Not saying that I can even compare my thoughts to the deity of His- but to some extent I feel as though my longing for something greater should not be looked down up on but rather somehow validated by His life. Its amazing to me how independent we all try to do seem. I paid my way through college, I bought my first car, I am a self made millionaire!! its so crazy, laughable even. Each of us are who we are by product of our surroundings and experiences. Most importantly, we are all each who we choose to be. And in this life- We need each other!! where would the mathematician be without the dreamer? And the idealist without the careful scientist."I am not an adventurer by choice but by fate." Vincent Van Gogh

I should be painting something great right now, but somehow, IM just STARING in to the abyss of this horrible blank paper in front of me. I hate when people try to say that your art is not personal. That its not personal if someone dismisses it. My art is me entirely, not just parts of me- but me as a whole. How can it not be personal? " I want to touch people with my art. I want them to say 'he feels deeply, he feels tenderly." VVG My eyes feel so wide open sometimes that I feel manic around the rest of the world that surrounds me. I want more than most- spiritually, emotionally, physically more. WHy is this such a strange outlook to most? I dont get it. WHy would one not want to make an impression? How does one not have anything to say?? I'll admit it- at times I am an emotional wreck- frustrated and stubborn- but at least I know it! Im wanting to say more than I know how to express- but at least I am searching! Im trying to figure it out! Every morning, I am over filled with this passion to create something great. I keep with me a longing to say something to this world. For now all I have is my brush and blank canvas that is taunting me even as I type. "If people knew how hard I worked to get my mastery, it wouldn't seem so wonderful at all." Michelangelo. I may not ever be famous for my work, and you know what -I DONT CARE! I dont care if I ever make a dime- thats not what this is about- I paint because I MUST! Again as Irving Stone put it in his novel regarding Van Gogh "'Is that what being an artist means-selling? I thought it meant one who was always seeking without absolutely finding. I thought it meant the contrary from 'I know it, I have found it.' When I say that I am an artist, I only mean, I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart."

Thats all. That is the whole truth. I create because I must, because I would be miserable without it.

2009-11-17T06:52:00.000-08:00

Hannah's Senior Pics 2009

2009-11-17T06:51:00.001-08:00

Hannah's Senior Pics 2009

2009-11-17T06:49:00.000-08:00

Hannah's Senior Pics 2009

2009-11-16T16:13:00.000-08:00

Untitled

Rouen, France

Watercolor and Ink on Paper

November 2o09

2009-11-16T16:11:00.000-08:00

"AT the Pompidue"

Paris France

Watercolor and Ink on Paper

November 2009

The WORLD

2009-11-14T13:15:00.000-08:00

visited 7 states (3.11%)
Create your own visited map of The World

2009-10-30T12:40:00.000-07:00

"Alicia"

Oil on Canvas

12 x 12 in

2009-10-29T10:01:00.000-07:00

"Eric"

oil on canvas

10 x 10 in

2009-10-28T13:27:00.000-07:00

"Rutledge 3"

Oil on canvas

10 x 10 in

2009-10-28T13:26:00.000-07:00

"Emily"

Oil on canvas

10 x 10 in

2009-10-28T13:24:00.000-07:00

"The Duomo"

oil on canvas

16 in sq.

2009-10-28T13:18:00.000-07:00

"San Miniato"

oil on canvas

11 x 14 in

2009-10-21T17:46:00.000-07:00

Napoli

Oil on canvas

8 x 10 in

2009-10-21T17:44:00.000-07:00

Vernazza at Night

Oil on Canvas

12 in square

2009-10-21T17:42:00.000-07:00

Venice

Oil on canvas

8 x 10 in

2009-10-21T17:39:00.000-07:00

"Love Birds"

Oil on canvas

10 in square

2009-10-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

Untitled

Photography

October 2009

2009-10-19T11:04:00.000-07:00

Untitled

Photography

October 2009

2009-10-19T10:59:00.000-07:00

Untitled

Photography

October 2009

"Les Fleurs"

2009-10-15T13:05:00.001-07:00

"Les FLeurs"

Oil on Canvas 30 x 40

October 2009

2009-10-11T19:43:00.001-07:00

My friend Lyn had her senior show this weekend. I was lucky enough to be her aluminum foil model. LOVE IT. She is amazing- a star in the making!

You know its getting chilly when . . .

2009-10-10T20:30:00.000-07:00

Today Marie discovered the heating pad . . .

2009-10-10T20:23:00.000-07:00

"Caitlyn"

Oil on Canvas

30 in x 40 in

October 2009

"Carpet Stains"

2009-10-02T12:28:00.000-07:00

Oh what my poor husband has to look forward to today. In the midst of the chaos that rules the beginning of any great work- chalk pastel was dusted all over the new beige carpet in my studio- burnt sienna chalk, might I add. And who really wants to interrupted by cleaning up one of the upcoming several stains to be made? Not me. I dont know what gets in to me sometimes. To all you artists out there, while you are painting, do you ever secretly put paint on you on purpose? Just beacause it feels . . . . good?? Its like last night, at Walmart. My husband Eric and I always do grocery shopping together- if not I splurge on textiles-paper, school supplies, new bed linens, etc, and he- on the biggest big of candy he can find-this task not overly difficult, being October and all. As the cart is filling up, I notice how neat and organized it is- like I child, I glance up at my sweet innocent left brained engineer and out of pure defiance- and alot of curiosity- I hoist a box of granola bars- or maybe it was a couple bags of rice, idk, unimportant to the main point- causing the neatly structured cart to instantly crash apart before my eyes. I cant explain-nor do I really understand it- the sheer joy that cart destruction caused my heart! My husband of course was bewildered to say the least. Bless his heart. I would probably be living in a tree somewhere in Cambodia if it werent for him.

I m outside today again with Maire enjoying the sweet sounds of my wind chimes on this beautiful sunny fall afternoon. God is so thoughtfully creative. I love everything he does!! Although, I have to admit, being out here is really by choice of Marie who couldnt stand being left alone while I attempted to begin my next close up. After a morning of frustration and mild dilemmas, I am taking a short break. Caitlyn is the third of the nine women who's portraits compose the, "Changing the World" series. The previous posts are two of my favorite shots of her from our photo shoot together. Of course you will have to wait for the painting to be completed as well. Im hoping to get some more paint on the canvas before I have to drag myself away to wait some tables tonight at my stale side job. Most of teh time, I wonder what in the world I am doing there.

Marie just looked at me and ate a stick that I thought I had just choked her to get out- playtime is up for her, back to painting.

2009-10-02T12:17:00.000-07:00

Untitled

Photography

September 2009

2009-10-02T12:16:00.000-07:00

Untitled

Photography

September 2009

Meet Marie

2009-09-30T08:01:00.000-07:00

Its FINALLY finished!

2009-09-29T13:42:00.000-07:00

"Lyn"

oil on Canvas

30 x 40

"Sauce on the Side"

2009-09-29T10:41:00.000-07:00

My entire life, Ive been a "sauce on the side" kinda girl. Which dressing would you like "non-fat rasp.vinaigrette please" ; "oh and hold the tomatoes, and extra carrots please." Of course this school of thought applies to more than just restaurant excursions. I color coat my closet for example- red, orange, yellows, green, blues, purples, black, greys and whites. I enjoy picking out the yellow m&ms from the pack and eating them first. I hate leaving the bar of soap on the the tub, it has its place,you know. These are just a few of my neurotic tendencies. LAtely, I am happy to say that Im allowing myself to enjoy things I thought were supposed to be routine.

Life is so incredibly short. Society's view of enjoying this life seems confusing to say the least. Open your windows people!! Smell the fresh fall air and enjoy the change of scenery. Did you know I used to not even consider painting outside- with the wind, hot sun, and terrible gnats! Now I say to the canvas, take the gnats! I grind them into my canvas and move on!!

Speaking of, I should be finishing my portrait of Lyn at the moment, but after 5 solid hrs of work I need a break. I took Marie out of her kennel and am letting her run wild-maybe sniff wild is more appropriate- while I sit back in my orange fold out chair to relax for a few in my back yard. If Im honest Ill admit to you that Im wondering if Marie too is becoming a little too domesticated. Shes not even running for goodness sakes, this is not good! Maybe Marie and I will have this outing more frequently together and maybe then she'll remember she s a canine.

Have you ever heard the expression "a square peg in a round hole"? Maybe its the other way around, Im not sure, anyways, this saying seems to compliment my thinking the majority of the time. Most days, Im concentrating so much on the big picture that I neglect the details that so many others seem to be concerned about. For the longest time, I tried desperately to contain myself around those "detailed" people. You know the kind-they're the "sauce on the side" the "no food in the living room" kind of people. Its a LIVING room!! its funny really. "square peg round hole" just doesnt ever seem to fit. Secretly Ive always loved being messy. When i was completing my undergraduate, I cant even number the times I was encouraged to go with the flow-pick a degree you can get a career! What about Graphic Design theyd ask. or teaching? Its really exhausting explaining these things. I need to be covered in paint to be able to concentrate! I need texture and chaos and some coffee in my life! wow how I need disorder in my life. When you tell someone you are an artist, beware. Painting? Painting, now what will you do with that exactly?-they say. I get this question . . . numerous times daily. For awhile I contemplated telling people I graduated with an accounting degree- at least there would be no confusion about that-numbers..yuck I still cant fathom how that is enjoyable all day long. I want no part of that. Then I thought it would be smart to educate others about what it means to call ones self an artist. Both of these thoughts went nowhere fast. I am an artist! I want to create! Its who I am. and I cant hide from it. I dont want to either, The thoughts that surround creating are so special so unique, God given, and empowering. Thats what it is-empowering. there are so many things to say-so many rules to break.

I like to paint especially when Im cluttered. My studio is full of nonsense items that my husband still doesnt really get why I need them you know . . . . -buttons, old time magazines, bowls, coffee cans, shoe boxes, cardboard, maps, money clips, hardware, I could go on people. I think they make me feel . . . inspired. Even I had to laugh at that. But its something about being surrounded that makes me feel the need to break out of-ah-of course and the canvas is my "square hole" to do so!

All of this to say, I am exceedingly happy with myself and my surroundings at the moment. Its important to me to keep this positive outlook, on people, attitudes, change, and whatever else rolls my way! Im ready. Im ready to continue being the artist God wills me to be. Im enjoying the ride and diving in head first- even if the sauce isnt on the side of my teriyaki bowl.

painting painting painting

2009-09-14T12:25:00.000-07:00

Im sitting in my cozy sailors blue studio taking a break from my newest project. Im feeling a little guilty about leaving little Maire in her cage so long while I work. Marie is the newest addition to our family. My husband and I have been married for three years now, and have been drownded with baby questions. My first thought is always,"do I really look old enough to start a family, really??" then I think, I wonder how long this phase will last. Well lets just say Im starting to learn that this phase of baby fevor is going no where fast. One of my best firends who shares the no baby for at least five whole years thank you philosohpy, was recently bit with the puppy bug! I as well followed suit. I wasnt at all expecting to find such a perfect puppy while brosing one sunny afternoon at a small town pet store, but there she was! Happy and playful and ready to get out of that sad sad glass window! The moment I held her I knew she was perfect for me! My husband and I named her Marie Antoinette. Yes, Marie Antoinette! She fits her name! haha wow, now Im feeling even more guilty about her nap time!

Im starting a new series of portraits. Last summer I was so lucky to travel and study abroad in Italy. I still cannot believe its been over aa year now! Nonetheless, the experience taought me so much about myself. Who I was versus who I wanted to be. Returning, I am a changed woman. A more open heart, I now have. I see things differntly than before. Life, people, thoughts. Everything seems to be in a new light. Its hard to describe this to anyone who hasnt traveled abroad. At first I was determined to return at any cost! Now Im seeking the plan of my Savior from day to day, enjoying the ride as HIs blessing keep seeming to find me.

I experienced Italy last sumer with nine other girls. Yes it was quite an adventure at first. Nine girls, each different and so beautiful in their own way. These girls taught me alot about what it means to be a Christian woman. Im titleing the series, "Women Who Are Changing the World," of course featuring each individual who was with me. Rutledge, Lyn, Caitlyn, Carrie, Larissa, Jess, Paige, Hagen, and Alicia. The first of which is already posted, and titled "Rutledge." Right now I have posted only some of the photos from the next girls shoot, Lyn and am right now, working on her portrait.

Each of these girls hold a special place in my heart. They have become sisters to me and I want to honor them through this series. I hope that you enjoy anxiously awaiting the next one to appear on "In Search of a City." Even more so, I hope that you will see God's beauty through each of these women as I do.

2009-09-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

Untitled

Photography

September 2009

2009-09-14T09:17:00.000-07:00

Untitled

Photography

September 2009